I'm back. Again.

Ok, now it's really summer and I don't have to stress about making short films for a couple sweet sweet months. Please, do not get me wrong, I love what I do, but making an extra film over Christmas means I have not had a break since SEPTEMBER. Much appreciated, much anticipated break.

So, since I'm not back to school until September I can focus on myself for a short period of time and hope that some good habits trickle into the fall and beyond.

My problem has never been not knowing what to do or where to start, my problem is STARTING. Luckily, today was productive: I'm looking for a job and walked for an effective three hours around the Boston area. It was warm, but I trucked through, and I think I'll sleep very well tonight. Last on my errands today was Whole Foods, where I managed to only spend about $40 and got a week's worth of healthy, digestive system healing food. Yum.

The last three weeks of beer, fried food and take out have done a number on my body and most days I hurt before I get out of bed. Tomorrow I have vowed to find my bicycle tire pump and get those bad boys into shape for riding. Looking for a job tomorrow will be so much more fun on wheels...

Another topic, did any of you know about this website http://www.uspharmd.com/blog/2008/top-100-weight-loss-blogs/ posting a top 100 weight loss blog list and including people without telling them? I randomly googled "weight loss" blogs to find some old haunts and, I'm not going to lie, see if FAT BRIDESMAID had made the first page yet (I think she's genius.. although she might read this, I think you're genius girl!) and what do I find? The first hit is this top 100 list and I'm on it?! I mean, I think I'm a decent writer, don't get me wrong, but I hadn't updated since last March when this was posted and no one ever informed me the list existed. I think it explains the trickle of hits which kept coming even in my absence.

Anywho, much more time to blog. I might actually keep a regular blog, we'll see.

Happy summer!

So I think I've figured it out. Eating every three hours instead of twice (or once) a day means I am actually eating far more often than I'm used to.

I have to be eating in front of people a lot more often. It makes me uncomfortable. And I think, do they think I eat all the time? I mean, they always see me eating. That can't be attractive.

Eating every three hours is a lot harder than it seems. Today I only ate three times, and I'm counting a cookie as one of those times. Not as great as yesterday, but I can hope and pray and then MAKE SURE I don't do the same thing tomorrow.

One day at a time.

The Small Meal Challenge.

I've replaced the weekly weight counter on the right tab of my blog with the "Small Meal Challenge". I'm trying to eat five meals of 300 calories a piece everyday, which would have me eating about once every three hours. It's rather difficult for me to do this, I'm not used to controlling when I eat so rigorously, and I'm definitely a no breakfast (sometimes even no lunch) and a large dinner kind of person. Which is horrible for my metabolism. It thinks I'm starving all day and then stores that huge late meal as fat. In my thighs.

I've heard this small meal method is very effective: to eat in small portions throughout the day, tiny meals that always include some fat, some protein, and some carbohydrate. It's easier for your body to break it down and your metabolism is optimized.

I am also, still, OVER the scale. I made a deal with myself. When I go down a size, I can weigh myself. And I really won't until then.

Exercise is still a gray area. I haven't been doing formal exercise, which is a problem. I justify not going to the gym, because I am forced to walk every where I go in Boston. It doesn't feel like as much daily exercise as it did 6 months ago, probably because my body has adjusted to the activity level.

So running. Ugh, maybe. Elliptical trainer. Yeah. I can work back up to running. I have this vision of myself running outside once it's nice, but man, I need work before that. So running. I also ordered a Pilates DVD, which I am very excited about it. If I like it, I'll review it.

Ok. Enough for today.

Featured and Finding Motivation

I've eaten ice cream for the last time.

Ok, maybe not. But seriously, how many times do I have to be woken in the middle of the night by stomach cramps so painful I'm up for an hour to understand that I am lactose intolerant? A few hundred, obviously.

Which is fine, because besides skim milk and yogurt, I really have no business eating the dairy products that I love most: ice cream, cheese, chocolate milk. It is noticeably worse when I haven't consumed these things for a while and then all of a sudden eat half a pint of Ben Jerry's. I wish sugar wasn't the enemy, but it undoubtedly is, I'm afraid.

So how do I fix my sugar cravings without throwing my whole system out of whack? Fruit, fruit and more fruit. Like vegetables, but with natural sugar that soothes my sweet tooth and keeps my calories in check. So I went grocery shopping last night to fill my kitchen with all kinds of healthy things that I would want to eat (that also do not require more than five minutes prep time, because I am impatient to a fault).

I spent $80 at Whole Foods last night and was pretty happy with my take, but was interested in the breakdown of food categories on my receipt:

PREPARED FOODS:
A pint of prepared "Sante Fe" Turkey Tips
Three zucchini and onion cakes
4 frozen veggie burgers
Kashi Instant Oatmeal Packets (is this prepared?)
Pint Almonds

BAKERY:
4 Whole Wheat English Muffins
4 Whole Wheat Burger Buns, small

CONDIMENTS:
Raspberry fruit spread
All Natural Peanut Butter

PRODUCE:
3 Bananas
2 Apples
3 Clementines
2 Orange Bell Peppers
1 giant Broccoli floret

DAIRY:
Quart Vanilla Soy Milk (NOT DAIRY, why is it here? No other place for it, maybe)
6 Brown eggs
2 Raspberry yogurts, fat free


Not a bad list for a week of groceries. Seeing the breakdown, I am proud of how much produce I bought, but still think I could stand for more vegetable variety. I am into a veggie burger with a side of steamed broccoli as my dinner fall back these days (no cheese!), but I know there are so many other delicious vegetables just waiting for me to experience them.

Does anyone have a good recipe for a vegetable bake I can make on Sunday and heat up the rest of the week?

Also, I need some more ideas for quick protein fixes. I've got the nuts thing for during the day, but I need to be more open for dinner choices. My current repertoire includes veggie burgers, eggs, and peanut butter (and anything bought already prepared, like those yummy turkey tips). I don't eat red meat or pork, which complicates things, but maybe I could find a good soup recipe. Anyone? Ideas?

Ok, I suppose I could do some real work now. More tomorrow, as I'm working again and will avoid the stressful March preparations however I can.

I want to go to the gym.

I WANT to sweat it out.

Why is that when I'm the most stressed, with the least amount of time, all I really want is to go Spinning? And when I have the time, oh like all day Sunday and Monday, I sit around and eat pizza and french fries?

I vow to not let my next day off go by without exercising. My body screams for it.

Well, as long as it doesn't snow a foot that day, I suppose. :)

I'm back in style.

Blogging style, that is.

Some big things have changed in my life. I moved to Boston last September to get my graduate film degree from Boston University. I broke up with my verbally abusive alcoholic boyfriend. For good. I quit smoking (yay!). And I am now forced to (but secretly grew to love) walk 3 to 5 miles everyday, seeing as I don't have a car and public transportation isn't always the most reliable.

I have a wonderful creative outlet now (making films) that teaches me to appreciate the things I am capable of, the stress I am able to endure and the obstacles I can overcome.

Some things that haven't changed: My unstable relationship with my father, my inability to control my binge eating, and my insecurity about my body image.

I've decided to start writing again not because I'm back on a diet (although those who prefer more structure should really give Weight Watchers a try), but because I am trying to perfect an eating and exercise regimen I can live with. When my body is happy and satisfied, my emotional self has a far better chance to feel the same.

I will only worry about the things I can control, and have the will to let go of the things I can't...

So this is a new frontier involving smaller portions more often and exercise routines that are a little less strenuous so I can motivate myself to actually do them most days of the week instead of just one or two.

A small goal I have is to be able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes by springtime so I can start exercising outside (so much more enjoyable).

Another goal is to lose a pant size--because although I automatically lost 10 pounds last semester from all the walking, I did not drop a size. Walking builds the muscles in your butt and thighs, which are the two places I carry all my weight. I refuse, REFUSE, however, to weigh myself, even once a week. I just cannot deal with it, so best to avoid it all together.

Something wonderful that has come out of my newly found daily exercise as a pedestrian: I can walk up five flights of stairs without being even the slightest bit winded; I carried a suitcase that weighed 80 lbs. (the airport weighed it when I got there), a camera that weighed 20 pounds, and a backpack with a large laptop and eight books or so up three flights of stairs and then down ten blocks on my way to the airport to go home for Christmas break. Six months ago I would have taken a cab and ponied up the $30, telling myself that there was no way I could physically get all that luggage their with my own strength. I felt invincible that day.

It's the small things. It is. And yes, occasionally I have a venti soy chai latte from Starbucks, but I no longer eat coffee cake and I certainly don't hide chocolate in my desk drawer any more.

I'm writing again for hope, for motivation, for inspiration. I hope to reconnect with those of you I had been in touch with frequently, as I never meant to abandon my post.

off the dieting bandwagon, it seems.

I can officially say I am not losing weight. I am, in fact, eating whatever I want. And officially, it is making me delightfully happy.

Usually there's a layer of guilt associated with the indulgent eating that follows a particularly strict diet, but not this time. I feel in control even though I might eat a hamburger, because I feel confident I'll only eat it if that's what I really want at that moment. Some days I just wake up and my body screams: give me red meat, now now now. So I do. Some days I might eat three bananas. And some days I could eat my weight in chocolate.

I have been working on portion control however, and I think it really does help. I've also been riding my bicycle a few times a week and plan to go back to running soon (I MUST quit smoking, I must...).

Overall I am feeling most content, even though I had to loosen my belt buckle back to its normal spot--an indication that I've probably gained back the ten pounds that I lost. I can't be sure because I won't go near the the scale. Not yet.