Monday, April 7, 2008

off the dieting bandwagon, it seems.

I can officially say I am not losing weight. I am, in fact, eating whatever I want. And officially, it is making me delightfully happy.

Usually there's a layer of guilt associated with the indulgent eating that follows a particularly strict diet, but not this time. I feel in control even though I might eat a hamburger, because I feel confident I'll only eat it if that's what I really want at that moment. Some days I just wake up and my body screams: give me red meat, now now now. So I do. Some days I might eat three bananas. And some days I could eat my weight in chocolate.

I have been working on portion control however, and I think it really does help. I've also been riding my bicycle a few times a week and plan to go back to running soon (I MUST quit smoking, I must...).

Overall I am feeling most content, even though I had to loosen my belt buckle back to its normal spot--an indication that I've probably gained back the ten pounds that I lost. I can't be sure because I won't go near the the scale. Not yet.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I think I'm getting off Weight Watchers.

As scary as the world of dieting alone might seem, I'm not sure their plan is ever going to work for me.

I've tried, believe me I have. And some weeks, I did lose weight. I'm sure this program works splendidly for some people. I just think I'm ready to try seriously policing my diet on my own. I can't rely on other people to keep me accountable all the time.

Ugh, we'll see. I haven't even canceled my monthly pass subscriptions yet, which means they'll keep charging me until I do. Maybe I'll go to another meeting and see how I feel. I missed last week and then had to work yesterday, so I'm feeling very "off track".

I was, however, sick the last four or five days with a stomach virus and managed to lose six pounds. How much of that will stay off, who knows, but hopefully some of it. It's back to the workout grind tomorrow, though. I'm going to get my bicycle tuned up--it was 70 degrees out today and I was devastated that I hadn't already done that so I could ride.

The upside to this whole confusing dieting issue is that I have actually trained myself to crave vegetables, something I NEVER thought would happen. Maybe my body really does know what's best for it after all. Now if I could just manage to listen closely all the time.

I hope everyone had a wonderful week.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Things that do not contribute to weight loss.

1. Drinking. I have to cut back on drinking when I'm trying to lose weight because of the calories, obviously. So what happens is, I don't drink all week and then accidentally get drunk on Friday night off of four beers! (Tolerance isn't as high as it used to be, unfortunately) And then once I'm drunk I proceed to eat everything in my kitchen that isn't good for me, i.e. everything in my roommate's cabinet.

2. "Lazy days". These are usually my days off, and no matter what my intentions are, I always manage to have one day off a week when I don't work out, but lay on the couch ALL DAY. Lazy days zap all my motivation and leave me feeling guilty the next morning.

3. Easter candy. Valentine's Day candy. Candy, in general. This is one of the hardest battles for me and I struggle with it all the time. Give me CHOCOLATE, damnit!

4. Working in a restaurant. Mmmmm, cherry almond pie, creamed corn and fried chicken! Good thing I'm friends with the cooks, they've gotten used to cooking all my grilled chicken and eggs with no extra butter or oil. They think I'm strange, I'm sure. Not to mention all of our "vegetables" are either drenched in bacon grease or filled with butter, cheese or oil.

5. Having a skinny roommate who eats all the time. I know I've already talked about this, but it's hard not to eat a cookie when they're always around. His mother loves to bake, damn her.

6. Smoking cigarettes. Bottom line, when I'm smoking more cigarettes, I'm working out less and when I'm working out less, I'm eating more and feeling EXTREMELY guilty.

7. Restrictive diets. I struggle with this, because as much as I would like to advocate some sort of "intuitive eating" plan, it makes me really nervous to think what I would eat if I could literally eat WHATEVER I WANTED (i.e. no food is off-limits). Supposedly your diet will balance itself out when you've learned to really listen to your hunger signals and what exactly your body is craving at the moment. For me, I always feel as if I'm craving french fries and Hershey bars. The problem, however, with restrictive diets (the other end of the spectrum) is that I do eventually go crazy from restriction and binge.

8. The scale. I honestly think the scale can be debilitating at times. I know I'm gaining muscle from my new workout regime as I was really out of shape, and so some weeks the scale is moving the wrong direction. It usually rights itself the next week, but lately I have been having a harder time just weighing in and dealing with the number. For God sakes, it's JUST A NUMBER. Like The Rotund said a couple weeks ago about about Girl Scout cookies: "IT'S JUST A COOKIE". You can't let it control your life.

9. Stress. Not even just stress from work, stress from grad apps (over and done now, woo hoo!), or stress from not working out. I swear, some days, someone can look at me wrong and I have to go home and eat a brownie. I should REALLY stop worrying about what everyone thinks. My opinion is important enough, right?

10. I don't have a tenth one. Does anyone else have anything that DOES NOT contribute to weight loss?

I know this list may seem counterproductive, but it really isn't, I promise. For me, the first step in managing my diet and not allowing these things to make me eat is acknowledging that they exist in the first place. For the longest time, I wanted to blame myself for being weak when I couldn't control my eating. Now I want to recognize what my triggers are and prevent them from making me feel the way they used to.

One step at a time, my dears.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I got into film school.

Heck yes I did.

And sorry about the excessive photographs posted in the last entry. I was feeling visual, I suppose.

Now I have to begin applying for scholarships (writing essays, etc.) because Boston University's tuition is 35,000 a year. My god.

I'm hoping the government will give me some money, because really I only make 12,000 a year on paper. AND no one can claim me as a dependent.

SO much motivation to lose weight now. Gotta get me ready for those sexy Boston boys. I CANNOT wait.

Oh, and Happy St. Patty's Day.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Random Varieties of Stress

I've been eating like a crazy person, but justifying it by working out. What it comes down to, however, is that I am really stressed out...

I am currently waiting to hear whether or not I've been accepted to graduate school for creative writing, and the odds aren't in my favor: the only school I've heard from is NYU (I was rejected) and they said they received 928 applications this year form 15 spots. Yeah, it's a crap shoot and I'm suddenly coming to terms with the reality that I may not get in ANYWHERE. Scary.

I didn't weigh in again this week, but I am definitely back on track tomorrow, definitely. The running really helps with the mood stabilization, and I'm taking to it more than I thought I would...

I am getting a new tattoo, I believe. I already have two. I got this one last year:


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And then I have some small, colorful wings on my back. For my new one, I want to extend ONE wing all the way over my shoulder and down my upper arm to my elbow. Feathers galore. I am PUMPED. I really want to lose some more weight first, however, and thus have more motivation again.

Question: does anyone know how to embed a song on a webpage? Can it be done? I'm sure copywrights prevent people from doing this, but what if you OWN the song--can it be done then? Thanks for any feedback.

I also applied to one film school, to which I had to send a photo portfolio along with my application. I was looking at some of the pictures today and I really like them.

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I mean, I gotta get in somewhere, right? Three weeks and I should know all...

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Looking up.

I did well today. I feel more stable.

And to that comment about me needing therapy-- yes, I am in therapy, but this is my blog and I feel free to write about anything I want to, as I should. I had a moment of crisis and in order to work through it, I wrote it down. And you know what? I felt a whole lot better after doing so. My last post was the first time I had ever actually WRITTEN DOWN any of those things that I felt. I did not ask anyone reading it to be my therapist or to believe I am normal or sane or more importantly, to think my emotions are founded or unfounded. I struggle between issues with my father and my weight everyday and "get a grip" doesn't really do much to alleviate that. So thank you for your concern, is what I meant to say.

Ok, enough negative energy.

I went spinning last night for the first time in three months and it was HARDCORE. The instructor was a maniac, no warm-up, no cool-down and NO breaks. But I kinda liked it. Actually, I really liked it. For any of you who have seen the latest season of the Biggest Loser, I always said I wanted a personal trainer like Jillian--someone who would yell and scream and kick my ass. And that's exactly what this guy did. Now, I know that sort of "encouragement" isn't for everyone, but I swear I work ten times harder and longer when they yell and scream. And it wasn't all screaming, he's a singer too--yelling out lines to songs in the middle of a hard climb. It was entertaining and motivating at the same time.

Also, I have been meaning to discuss the importance of the ever perfect food: the banana. I honestly think monkeys may have it right. There are days when I eat bananas like they are going out of style. I'll eat one as soon as I wake up, after a run, after dinner as dessert, or just as an easy snack while running errands so I'm not tempted to do a Starbucks run (mmmm... blueberry coffee cake). Bananas are portable, filled with potassium (no charlie horses for me!) and quite possibly the most delicious fruit out there--granted, this is only my opinion, but come on, bananas are pretty damn tasty, right? Right?

I have a friend who varies between being a vegan and a raw-foodist. For those of you who don't know what "raw-food" diet is, well it's pretty self-explanatory--you just don't eat anything that has been cooked. She will eat a lot of fruit, natural fats like avocado and so many vegetables she had to start growing her own. :) Now, while I think that some of her dietary habits are a little extreme, I DO think that fruits and vegetables play a LARGE role in a healthy diet. I, personally, would be happy eating fruit all day long, every day. My head, however, craves refined sugar and my muscles crave protein from all the running. So I give them what they need, more protein than refined sugar obviously (I won't say I've had a perfect day unless I've had NO refined sugar that day--this includes bread), but fruit is really my first love.

And THEN, I found people on the internet who agree. What a surprise, right? They are called "fruitarians"- Crazy Banana People

They are indeed a little batty, but they might have some good points.

That is all, I hope everyone has a lovely evening...

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Oh goodness, what a week.

So I haven't been really forefront yet with the insane amount of self-hatred I have for my fat, or the overall dismal state of my body image. Well, it's terrible. That's how I'll start.

It DOES NOT MATTER how good I feel when I exercise and eat well, how great it is knowing I've run farther than I ever have before, I will still regress whenever I am suffering from extra stress, uncertainty or severe self-criticism.

I am a perfectionist. When I do something, I fucking do it right, damn it. My father was the same way, which is why he put me on a diet when I was 7 years old. My entire family was thin and athletic and he wanted, no NEEDED me to be the same. I was ruining his image of his perfect suburban family. Never mind the fact that I was freakishly tall for my age by 10 (nearly 5'7" in fifth grade) and that I played three or four sports (baseball, soccer, ice hockey and lacrosse), I was NOT thin enough. Thus began my vicious cycle of forbidding food and binging.

Let's take this week for example. I opted not to weigh in today despite an above average week. I ran three times and did Pilates three times. I ate well and cooked for myself almost every night. Then yesterday I began to have stomach cramps, very unusual for me when I'm eating well and mistook them for period pains as it is almost time for that lovely thing to visit and began eating with reckless abandon. This happened to me last month also and I survived it fairly well, except this time they were phantom pains. 24 hours later and I STILL haven't gotten the flow. Last night was horrible, however, and I wrote down what I ate in the course of three hours:

6 0z. steak
6 0z. chicken
baked potato, extra sour cream
broccoli

Not bad so far, right? Ok, here we go.

3 O'Charley's rolls
1 sleeve Thin Mints
McDonalds grilled chicken sandwich
medium french fries
large strawberry shake
large glass of milk
Snickers bar

and last, but not least, 2 large glasses of Baileys Mint Chocolate Irish Creme, so I could pass out and STOP EATING.

It may not seem like a lot, but it really did all happen in three hours. Then I woke up today, did not have my period, did not go run off the calories and had pizza for dinner. Awesome. I went to my Weight Watchers meeting, but thought I might cry in front of the sweet reception lady at the scale or even worse, my over the top leader, who might shout "What did you do wrong this week? Do you have any questions about the program you would like to discuss?!" so loud that everyone in line would hear. Whenever she does this I want to say, "Listen, bitch, I've been studying nutrition labels for 17 YEARS and probably know a hell of a lot more about nutrition than you do. I only eat organic fruits and vegetables and I have ridiculously low cholesterol because I haven't eaten red meat in years. I have been on Jenny Craig, Adkins (horrible for you, never do it), South Beach, plain old calorie counting, I was a vegetarian for five years and this is my THIRD TIME doing WW, but yes, I'm sure there is SOMETHING you probably need to explain to me about the program, because OBVIOUSLY I'm not doing it right."

God. Sorry about that. I just hate when people assume that it should be easy for me to stop my binge eating, or that knowing it's bad should somehow guilt me into not doing it. Sometimes I think the pressure to be PERFECT with my diet overwhelms me and I just snap. Like last night. Actually, I know that's what it is. There are days when I feel physically and mentally EXHAUSTED. And man, if there's a donut within fifteen feet of me, I'm probably going to eat it.

*sigh*

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I swear it's already working...

Wow, I am in awe of what an impact writing something down can have.

Normally, I would have let yesterday stop me dead in my tracks, but I actually made a 180 today and ate splendidly.

I think the upset stomach and acid indigestion from all the cookies might have helped as well--but hey, I'll take what I can get.

I ran for thirty minutes, no more (sigh), but was deeply motivated the entire time by the thought "I might as well have eaten a cookie the size of my head, I might as well have eaten a cookie the size of my head"...

On the upside, I do believe I have had my share of Thin Mints for quite some time. I GAVE AWAY the rest of the box to my super-annoying, teeny tiny eating machine that I call my roommate. For any of you who have ever had a friend who could eat literally WHATEVER they wanted constantly, completing swamping any amount of food you could ever hope to ingest and still manage to weigh on the lighter side of 150 lbs, this is my roommate Chris.

Now take that image of your friend eating all those goodies and how it makes you feel and make them your roommate. Needless to say, my living situation right now is not conducive to dieting without temptation.

Earlier tonight he came creeping into the living room with his hands behind his back, saying "Don't be angry, don't be angry.."

What? I say.

He plops down next to me and reveals 1. a box of caramel delights (bastard!) 2. a bag of chocolate Teddy Grahams and 3. a cupcake with red and white heart sprinkles. Oh, and a glass of milk.

I ate a small clementine and a small box of raisins and excused myself to bed.

He'll get what's coming to him some day: high cholesterol and a gut. He has to... right?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I've fallen and I can't get up.

I was doing so well. I mean, SO well.

Today was my one month anniversary of this year's bout of Weight Watchers. And what did I do to celebrate? I stuffed my face so full of Thin Mints I honestly contemplated throwing up. It was that horrible.

So far I have lost 8.6 pounds. Not too shabby considering I only LOST weight two out of the four weeks. The second week I had bronchitis and started my period (WENDY'S was involved somewhere) and this week I was forced out of town a couple nights in a row, causing me to make bad food decisions and basically eat what anyone handed me.

On the upside, I didn't actually GAIN weight this week, I just didn't lose any. Now this week I will be making up for tonight the next six days.

Good incentives: I bought one of the new iPod mini shuffles and filled it with nothing but good, upbeat running songs. I hope to break the thirty minute barrier tomorrow. (I also stopped by DICK'S tonight and bought about $250 worth of workout gear, including but not limited to Pilates pants, running pants, an Adidas duffle bag and a water wicking hat that is lightweight for summer (not to mention my new, well-fitted sports bra that I am IN LOVE with).

The goals here are to get in shape for rock climbing season at the Red River Gorge (April) and to lost somewhere close to 60 pounds before I move away to go to grad school in August. Looks like I have my work cut out for me.

I cannot even imagine how bloated I will feel tomorrow and dread putting on my just washed work jeans, which will undoubtedly be snug after my ridiculous carbo binge. (I also had two glasses of wine and a dinner roll! I suck.)

So that is my introduction to the world of weight loss blogging.

Hello everyone, it's good to be here.